Words that Speak louder than Actions

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2008-01-28T18:18:00

2008-01-29T02:27:39Z

Stuck again. In this place where i shoudn't be. Something is so familiar about this. Probably the being alone. That's it. It has to be. Michele's leaving tonight, and I'm torn between mourning her and celebrating her. I'm hurt and feeling so alone. She isn't dead...she'll still be there but not right there like she always has been. What do you do when your main source of strength is gone.
Everyone is acting like it's ok. I suppose they have to. I'm afraid I'll fall apart. Michele was my glue. She kept me together. Kept me on the right path.
Now it's up to me.

you called earlier but i missed you

2008-01-20T21:22:50Z

I feel so left of center. I'm coming down. It sucks. I know I'll be fiending for awhile till I do. I know Tina and Michele will be fine at work without me.

As for what else...there is nothing. We have a new manager. It's cool, but it isn't. I wanted it. Now...I'm just this sort of little blip. I don't think Darlene will treat us the way Jon will.

I miss Danny. I know he's an ass. But god...I miss him right now. I couldn't make him care if i bled out in front of him. I should take a nap or something. My stomach is upset. I've taken some many things to escape and I'm paying for it now.

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2008-01-12T09:26:00

2008-01-12T17:50:27Z

I've planned it all out. All I have to do is decide who gets what. I need to borrow the tent. I have to pay off all my debts to my family. Or at least some of them. I need to teach Danny how to do everything so he can run the office alone. I'll probably give Travis the car. I should clean it out. I'll need to write the appropriate letters. Get all the right stuff.

black dresses

2008-01-12T04:48:02Z

I look at my old posts and realize...I'm in the same situation. I've fallen again....too hard for someone. I'm starting to see a pattern here boys and girls. It's all so very wrong. And sometimes I think about the pattern...I get depressed and I cut. Michele took my razors away. I want them back. I've tried not doing it but it's like steam...it just builds and builds. I can't take it. I need the release. If i have no release I try to od. I'd rather cut.
Michele's leaving.
I don't know how to feel. Mostly depressed.
Pardon the melodramatics folks...but I want to die. wanted it for awhile. the want is becoming a need. i can't even see it positively anymore. I can't see any positivity to my situation. i feel hopeless. none of it is really worth it. i can't stand it sometimes. just waiting for it all to end. or at least pause when i sleep. maybe i could go into a coma.
at any rate...im sad. i only feel regular when im high.

so you found me

2007-04-15T16:41:07Z

I have so much I've bottled up inside.
It's true that I can't get over you. No matter what I try to do. You left and now you're with her. You ignore me for drama. I'm hurt of course.
The bond we have is different, you must see that. It's not the same as between you and anyone else. There's a 'click' that I've seen between us, that I haven't seen between you and any of your women.

It's gettin to a point where I'm afraid I can't love anyone else. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels good. Unless it's with you.
And now I find myself thinking of ways to sabotage you. Make her see the way you are. See so she won't end up like me. So she'll leave.
Because truthfully, lover, you haven't been right to her. She doesn't know what goes on with us. Not the truth. I suppose, none of us do. The only person who knows is you.

We have a relationship that's not a relationship. Something where you push your feelings for me to a place where they can't be found. And I sit and wait for you to show affection.

update.

2007-02-08T06:26:20Z

So I'm at Brina's. I'm on her computer blogging.
Andrew and I broke up today.
But i'm ok...hahah
I was waiting for it to happen.
Peace

a melody, a memory

2007-02-05T18:34:35Z

Talking is difficult. I can't seem to form all the right words.
This of course is very frustrating for me because I've always seen myself as eloquent. I guess it's fear that holds my tongue.
So I'm going to attempt to spill all my thoughts on paper. Hopefully this will work. My writing has always been cathartic. But catharsis has always been a side effect, never the actual intent.
Well I'm going for broke with this one.

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2007-01-15T11:43:00

2007-01-15T19:50:55Z

I don't understand much. I can't say what I feel anymore. Even writing feels awkward. How do I tell you that you're breaking my heart. That this whole indefinate break thing is killing me. I feel lonely and broken. You criticized me for doing the only thing I know how to do when I feel like this. I want to write and spill my guts. But that isn't personal enough for you. What would you like. I can scream it out loud.
I hate being this weak. No one truly understands, and to talk you about what you're doing wrong seems so weird. I'll have to tell you eventually. I want to tell you that everytime I speak my mind it seems like you don't care. That you're more wrapped up in your own world, that you can barely think of stepping into mine.

drabbles, with sweet kisses and sincere promises.

2006-12-10T13:47:33Z

I guess I saw you for the first time these past few days.
Forgive me for that.
I didn't think there was anything more to you than the happy-go-lucky person I knew. Once again I ask for forgiveness.

I've underestimated you. I didn't think you felt depression, or fear, even regret. It played havoc with my heart and head.
Listening to the sadness in your voice, I realized that you fake it better than I thought. . I wish I knew how long you've done this.
But maybe it's best I didn't. Because I'm always going to want to rescue the bird with the broken wing.

I'd do just about anything for you to feel better. Even if it meant leaving you, so you could be with her.

So smile lover, life is going to be easier. I promise.

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2006-11-16T12:18:00

2006-11-16T20:18:42Z

eh...feeling tired again. My monster buzz wearing off. Which is not cool. Mom might meet andrew tomorrow.
I dunno. I feel all bleh.
I need money. for the bus. I guess i should just save all of it for bus passes.
I have financial plan.

This paycheck...I will save for bus passes. I only need $15. I don't need lunches. The next paycheck I will give 75% to mom for my car payment. After that I will use the rest for payments on credit cards and bus fare.

Paychecks should be bigger due to the fact that I'm going to start working 40hrs. I'm a little worried that I'm going to be tired all the time.

Andrew and I are working on getting our apartment. Hopefully we can qualify for low income housing, because combined we make under 60k a year.

Speaking of Andrew, he got suspended from work. Why? For some stupid shit he apologized for. I dunno, it makes me angry that he is in trouble for this. Besides, now he's contemplating leaving Eastridge and going to Oakridge.
I believe strongly in "outta sight, outta mind". I know that he could find someone better at Oakridge. And he won't want to come all the way to East Side to see his poor little girlfriend. Of course I told him this. He laughed and said I worry too much. He told me that he was no stranger to having travel to see a girlfriend. He promised that if he could stay at Eastridge, he would until we got an apartment. I don't really see where this is going, but it's going somewhere. It's really different. I loose all sense of reason around him.

didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see ya crying

2006-11-09T07:56:38Z

Posting on LJ. Too much drama to blog on myspace.
I've been thinking a lot about Andrew. I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I've fallen in the worst kind of way. I don't think I can fix that. I know he doesn't feel the same. He doesn't care as much. I can't try to like him for to make up for his lack of caring. I guess it's just something I have to deal with.
I started to think about when we break up. I guess that could be a problem too. I never think of something as permanent. I'm always waiting for the ending. Rushing it so I can get through with it. Ha.
I miss the sweet little things. He sent me a note once with a piece of candy. I know it was small, but it was sweet.
I guess I want him to want me.

The end of something beautiful

2006-10-26T19:18:49Z

Librado and I broke up today.
This isn't one of our silly fights.
This isn't me being hurt and slamming him online.
It's just over.
I tried to be as considerate as possible. I didn't want stay, I wanted more.
We were growing apart. It was sad, and I didn't like the thought...but you can only ignore something for so long.
Not to mention various other things that are my fault.
I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. Being rational does that to me.
I feel free now, but I'll always miss the safety I felt around him.
I pray he can forgive me and understand my decision.
He will still be in my prayers everyday, because he is one of my best friends.
Crying seems too cliché.

grown-up decisions

2006-10-21T15:37:15Z

Needless to say, if you know than you know.

I feel stifled, and though I would love to stay in the past. I want to move forward. I have to own up to what I did. I'm an adult now. No one can hold my hand, and walk me through it.

List of to-do's:
1.Tell the truth
2.figure out how I feel
3.start going to class more
4.find a way to say it.
5.go out on sunday...to clear my head.

Maybe life will make this easy for me, but I doubt it.

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2006-10-16T12:18:00

2006-10-16T19:29:10Z

~~I'm slightly pissed and don't know why.~~

I do know. I'm angry. I haven't seen Clif in awhile and who does he choose to spend his day off with....joesph.
needless to say I am angry. I have a fat headache on top of that, and I'm getting really sick of school.

Didn't go to aerobics class cuz I woke up too late.

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2006-10-12T13:01:00

2006-10-12T20:22:49Z

Ok so I lied. I said I would update. I didn't. Been watching project runway. I hope jefferey gets to stay on. I really want him to win.

i don't work today. just school. I really don't wanna go. I lost the prompt for my essay. I can't find it . It's something about the great migration of african americans to the north from the southern us.
I really don't care. I'm just gonna go into class with some bullshit outline.

I'm anxious to know what my professor gave me for my reflective essays.

Clif's mom gave me some perfume, I liked it initially.But the after effect makes me dizzy. I ordered my books for psych class. I need to read my chapters on dream psychology. I have a feeling psych is gonna be a breeze class.

I have to start thinking about my classes for next semester. I would like to continue taking pe courses. I think my body needs the exercise. Everytime I add extra physical stuff to my life, my body starts looking better. So I decided to stick with it. Maybe I'll take a walk/jog class. Not sure though. I think I will take pilates though. I definately wanna take pilates with my step aerobics instructor.

I take my behind the wheel test next tuesday. I'm very sure of myself.

Anywho...updates later to come.

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2006-10-11T08:48:00

2006-10-11T15:50:42Z

I ~~hate~~ really really really don't like john basedown.
I don't wanna go to class,but I will cuz I feel like a fat-ass for eating a steak. Bleh...I normally don't eat red meat, but the menu made it sound good.
Gotta jet.
Will update when I get home, from class.

a new pov

2006-10-05T00:42:15Z

Decided to update because I haven't in awhile. Let's see...life is good. I think this is the happiest I've ever been. I'm just really chill about everything. I start work in half an hour. I was gonna quit and work at old navy, but decided against it. I really love the people I work with. Anyway, lotza peoples birthdays are coming up. Ok, so only three. I'm still happy though. I can't wait for my twin can turn 18, so i can rape her.hehehehe....I'm watching you michele. jk.
My manager, Jadd is being weird again. He won't talk to me at all. Ok so he will. But you ever get the feeling that someone is avoiding you??? It's like that. Ever since I brought Clif to work one day. He told avoids me. Bleh...he's a dude. That's why I'm bisexual. Cuz girls are easier to understand, but guys are dirtier and more fun.
Still trying to get a group of people together to play D&D. I know...lameness. But I wanna play. At least a few times. So yeah...
Went on a downloading binge last night. For some reason, I got a lot of old songs. Lotza spice girls. Evanescene, yellow card, maroon 5.
*Note to self* download jack's mannequin songs.
I can't wait for the dashboard and panic concert. I think those will just be Michele and I.
I see Clif ~~too often~~ a lot.
Going to visit my mom this weekend. YAY-ness! I missed her a lot. My grandma too. My step-dad sorta. hehehe...jk. I miss my computer. I can buy porn now! Funny I always thought I would when I had a credit card, but now I see no need too.
On that note, I'll leave you my lovelies!

another shuffle quiz...yeah.

2006-09-28T20:48:03Z

Put your player on shuffle and answer the questions as the songs are played...
Press next song and perhaps the result will be:
Ex. What would you rename yourself to?
Song: Carrie
Artist: Europe
Comment: Not really but close enough...

1. What song best represents my personality?
Song: Your Guardian Angel
Artist: Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Comment: I protect and love people.

2. What song will be played on my funeral?
Song: My Stupid Mouth
Artist: John Mayer
Comment: heh...sweet, but odd.

3. Will I ever love somebody?
Song: Slow Down
Artist: Howie Day
Comment: As long as I relax.

4. Will I be successful in life?
Song: Movies
Artist: Alien Ant Farm
Comment: Movie Star

5. Will I get married even if my love life is out of shape?
Song: 45
Artist: Shinedown
Comment: "staring down the barrel of a 45'"....i think not

6. Will anyone accept me as who I am?
Song: Stolen
Artist: Dashboard Confessional
Comment: "You have stolen my heart..."...go Kimi

7. How will I die?
Song: Sleep
Artist: Story of the Year
Comment: Asleep at the wheel...-_-

8. Who'll kill me?
Song: Sexy Back
Artist: Justin Timberlake
Comment: Someone sexy will kill me...oh well..at least i have something nice to look at

9. Will I be a murderer myself?
Song: Decembers
Artist: Hawthorne Heights
Comment: Only from extreme emo-ness.

10. How's my life so far?
Song: Battle of One
Artist: 30 Seconds to Mars
Comment: haha...i'm my own worst enemy

11. My current obsession?
Song: I am on your side
Artist: Hawthorne Heights
Comment: sides?

12. What song best represents my friendship with others?
Song: Fantasy
Artist: 30 Seconds to Mars
Comment: "do you live, do you die, do you breathe, for the fantasy"...haha...it's all about the homies

13. If I ever, where would I go on vacation this year?
Song: Inside of You
Artist: Hoobastank
Comment: haha sexscapades...inside of you baby.

14. Second last question: Which sexuality are you?
Song: Sending Postcards from a Plane
Artist: Fall Out Boy
Comment: EMO

15. Last question: What song should end this?
Song: Inside Out
Artist: Yellow Card
Comment: "And I don't wanna drag it out, don't wanna bring you, I never wanted it to end this way" or "so don't just say good-bye to me, just turn you back away and leave, and if your lucky i will be you last regret, your only friend"...ciao

Stolen from my twin

2006-09-14T18:23:27Z

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question press the next button.
Ready? GO!

Opening credits:
Santa Fe-Rent

Waking up:
Welcome to the Black Parade-My Chemical Romance

Average day:
I Can Say What I Mean-Days Away

First date:
Wonderwall-Oasis

Falling in love:
The Taste of Ink-The Used

Love scene:
Unplayed Piano-Damien Rice

Fight scene:
Sleep-Story of the Year

Breaking up:
Playing For Keeps-Matchbook Romance

Chilling DownMaking up:
Slow Down-Howie Day

Secret love:
My Tourniquet-Evanescence

Life's okay:
Hand Of God-Fall Out Boy

Mental breakdown:
Under Pressure- The Used and My Chemical Romance

Driving:
Soundtrack for Our Movie-Mae

Learning a lesson:
Here's to the Night-Eve 6

Deep thought:
Sandpaper and Silk-Hawthorne Heights

Flashback:
Cut Up Angels-The Used

Happy dance:
Honorable Mention-Fall Out Boy

Regretting:
Signals Over The Air-Thursday

Long night alone:
Hey Ya-Outkast

Final Battle:
Three Small Words-Josie and the Pussycats

Death scene:
All That I've Got-The Used

Closing credits:
Chicago is So Two Years Ago-Fall Out Boy

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2006-08-20T19:04:00

2006-08-21T02:14:36Z

Still at Mom's. Feeling less melodramatic. My feet are all missed up. My heels are cracked and nasty, but they don't smell.
I missed my ipod. I listened to it til it ran outta juice when I first got home. Now my lovely is charging. I bought Clif's birthday present today. Not gonna tell though, cuz I think he reads my lj.
Supposed to go to movies with Michele and Clif tomorrow. Gonna go see Accepted. I hope it's as funny as it looks.
I missed chilling with my school homies. It isn't the same as my work friends. But I like that there is a difference. School friends are crazy and loud and creative. They always make a scene. Work friends party more, drink more. They act more adult. Which is awesome. I get the best of both worlds.
I have to help Clif apply at Macy's. He was really interested in working there after we told him how much free time we have on the job.
Went school shopping yesterday. My mom ended up spending about $350 a piece on my brother and I. I apologized to her for being so expensive. She replied with, "I'm glad I can give both of you this lifestyle. It's something I never had.".
At that moment it struck me how flipping awesome my mom is.

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2006-08-18T15:53:00

2006-08-18T23:01:12Z

I'm at my Mom's. I got my permit. I need to practice driving. I feel tired. I remember why I didn't like this place. It's dead and cold.
My permit test went well. I passed it the first time. I only missed five questions. I can't believe I'm typing as fast as I am. Anyway my stomach hurts.
My room is a mess. I remember the last time I was here I had a fight with Librado (what's new). I came home and found all the things that reminded me of him in boxes and bags. I guess I didn't have time to put everything back. I'm sorta sleepy, and missing San Jose already. Did I mention my room was a hideous mess. Ok, so it really isn't that bad. But it feels really cluttered. To top it all off, whoever has been using my computer left my speakers on. They also left on my light, so the bulbs are dead. Which means I might have to sleep in the dark. I have the sudden urge to type without punctuation. But I won't because it annoys me when other people do it. If I had my license I would go for a drive. But sadly...not possible yet.

update

2006-08-09T13:04:32Z

It's 5:36. Work isn't so bad anymore. My night shifts are really short which is great. I got my commission up, now I just gotta work on my credit. Think I'm gonna dye my hair again.

Shit went down between my parents, and created some major shockwaves through my life. I don't care though. I'm so tired of the whole, custody thing I was like ' whatever'. Thought about my birthday party. Definately gonna have a pj party. I really want to have it at embassy suites. That's gonna be quite a hunk a change.

I have today off. Which is great, becuase I can spend most if the day lazing about and eating. Not good I know...but I deserve it. I can't see my bank account online either, so I'm gonna fix that today. I'm close to broke cuz I haven't put in my last check...hehe. I thought my direct deposit would go in to effect sooner.

I take my placement test on friday. I'm kinda nervous. After that I'm going to GA with the gang from work. I like hanging with them, I feel more grown-up. I have Janessa's party on thursday. I'm gonna try to make it to that too. It'll be nice to have a drink after-work and just chill with everyone.

wasn't easy

2006-07-27T17:07:56Z

It wasn't easy, and it's been bugging for awhile. I decided to go to evergreen valley college. I can't go to ohlone. It's just not in the cards for me. I can't get a car, so I can't get to school. I'm still going to keep in touch with everyone, I just can't go to school there, it's too far.

ttt too much time on my hands

2006-07-10T15:19:59Z

I'm a dupe. I always take extra shifts. I don't really want to work today, but I took a shift for someone who needed it. Here's my schedule for july.

3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10 6-9:30	11	12 6-10:30	13 6-10:30	14	15 2-10:30	16 12-8:30
17	18	19	20 6-9:30	21 1-9:30	22	23 9:45-6:15
24	25	26	27 6-9:30	28	29 6-9:30	30

I work a lot this week, but after I get a lot of time off. My manager is hecka cool like that. Anywho...I might get another day on the 26th, but eh that's no that bad. I'll probably end up opening, and then leaving at 6.
Hanging at Clif's today, till I have to work anyway.

ki_hi_hi_hi_may @ 2006-07-07T07:57:00

2006-07-07T15:06:36Z

Well. I'm going to the dmv today to get my id. I really need to cash my checks. I have about +300 in checks that need to cash. Stoopid bank bureaucracy ~~(don't care if I spelled that wrong).~~

Turns out,

I may not have to help Clif with his rent. Which is nice. He gets his pay check today. He took on extra hours so he could make rent. I think he will too. He already paid off 40 of it, so another 210 is needed.

You know earlier I posted about my not seeing people. I was worried we weren't friends anymore, but it's not the case. Hilda was right. I shouldn't have doubted anyone.